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April 17 2014


Day 2: A Day with Confidence.

This entire day, somehow, I was able to hold myself up high and, for the most part, could not hold myself down with any insecurities.  I occassionally have days like this, where I can tackle the world, when I feel not invincible, but very aware, hopeful, almost free....  Tomorrow is another day, but I do appreciate the greatness in this one. I just hope for the days when this is my norm, I am healing, and I think I know why....

April 16 2014


Day 1: Some of my Story

It is officially past midnight where I live, and I am ready to start on this journey.  Today, I realized (while in the shower this morning) that although depression has been a force that has sapped my energy, faith, and hope in humanity, that I can still be a productive member of society and, in fact, I can possibly influence others to stand in their truth, to maybe share their pain, since you see - everybody has a story.  Your neighbor may be a refugee, your friend may have had cancer, and your own child may be struggling with their sexuality.  The point is that behind rose-colored glasses it's easy to ignore how amazing our peers may be or how much each of us has had to overcome in order to get to a good place where we want to be.  Things are not as they seem, I have myself as an example of that.  Though I have what many have signaled as a repulsive exterior, it's undeniable that I am a human being.  Not only am I a human being, but I hold a unique perspective, a puzzle to manh, and that isn't even an overstatement.  You see, a sum of myself is not easy to define, but if I had to do so, here's the totality of the situation called my existence:  I am a gay man, but not only that, I have autism with an IQ in the 95th percentile (although I don't necessarily support the use of psychometric analysis to define the worth of human beings).  I have also suffered under depression, not only because my perceived intolerance of the society around me, but also because being autistic meant that my social skills were.... well, impaired, and that isn't helped at all by my more intellectual interests.  Being a gay guy with autism and a high IQ is not at all the ideal situation.  Now combine that with, as I mentioned before, a repulsive exterior (again, not an overstatement) and it will be no surprise that for years, the many blows to my self-esteem resulted in depressive tendencies that became little contributing pieces towards what has become almost a full-time job for me: controlling my depression.  Unfortunately, there is also the fact that such a repulsive person, both in terms of appearance and behavior, will not be so eaay an individual to become friends with.  So in dealing with everything and a lack of support, I am now here, in this position, where I have made peace with what I have had to face.  20 years of life for many people do not lead to the loss of hope and regret that I have.  Most people where I live are enjoying a social life in college, work a part-time job, and have loving, supporting families who have never hurt them in the past.  As for me, I have only a few friends who I know are friends because the very few moments I am with tnem, I forget about my sorrows.  I cannot get a job since in Texas, it is legal to discriminate against me, I have very little experience, and my social anxiety may get in the way of my performance, I would hate to get paid for what I know is lackluster work.  With my family, they just don't understand, they apparently love me and accept my sexuality, but now they believe that my autistic characteristics are an "excuse", meanwhile, 5 minutes speaking in front of nearly total strangers resulted in open minds and acceptance, so as for them, I just don't know....  All I can really do is hope, and I will make sure to be more open with others.

Here's the thing, depression can screw itself!  I know that I am not popular, that I am not anything special, though I am different, and that words are only words.  As much as I would like to wallow in my own self-pity, I can be more productive in beating it, right?  I mean, I probably am lying about saying I am not special, apparently my 125 IQ helped me with the appearance of being smart, I do have a 4.0 GPA after all, and better yet, all of my art teachers so far have seemed to support me in my endeavors and believe in helping me harness my artistic abilities.  Maybe I am something special, but years of lying to myself diluted my self-esteem....

Anyway, this is my place to vent, though that was definitely longer than my average post.  Thank you, hopefully, for understanding!  
Hello everyone, I will share with you all some rays of hope, despite the circumstances that for years have ended up in years wasted being depressed, with low self-esteem and anxiety.  My only goal with this is that someone will care eventually, everyday is a battle with myself, but now I have decided to fight back just as hard!
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